


Dandruff

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:07:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29637861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Starsky and Hutch go undercover at a hair salon in order to find a jewel thief.
Kudos: 1
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Dandruff


    DANDRUFF
    
    Season 4, Episode 8
    
    Original Airdate: November 14, 1978
    
    Written by: Ron Friedman
    Created by: William Blinn
    Directed by: Sutton Roley
    
    Summary:  Starsky and Hutch go undercover at a hair salon in order to find a jewel thief. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey

Rene Auberjonois ... The Baron

Madison Arnold ... Dinty

Blackie Dammett ... Ellis

Tracey Walter ... Leo (as Tracey Walters)

Jacques Aubuchon ... Davidowsky

Audrey Meadows ... Hilda Zuckerman

Norman Alden ... Buddy Owens (as Norm Alden)

Leigh Hamilton ... Vivian

F. William Parker ... Harry

Alex Rodine ... Van Dam

John Fujioka ... Adachi
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    BERNICE: Well, I've lived with it-- Oh!
    
    HUTCH: I'm so sorry.
    
    BERNICE: Oh, that's all right. Oh, you got yourself all wet. I've lived with this hairdo for so many years, I'm beginning to wonder whether it is time for a change, Mr., uh--?
    
    HUTCH: Marlene. Mr. Marlene.
    
    BERNICE: Oh, Mr. Marlene.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: That is $72. Just sign it. You look lovely, my dear.
    
    HUTCH: This is the real you, Bernadette.
    
    BERNICE: Oh, uh, Bernice.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Lobby**
    
    STARSKY: It would be so much fun.
    
    WOMAN: What?
    
    STARSKY: Hee. When you start working, it will be much fun. It will be so much fun.
    
    WOMAN: Hmmm. 
    
    STARSKY: Hmmm. 
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Mr. Marlene, darling.
    
    HUTCH: Yes?
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Can you spare me a moment?
    
    HUTCH: Why, oh, of course, uh, Mrs. Zuckerman. Bernice, uh. Bernice.
    
    BERNICE: Oh, thank you. Oh.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: He'll be right back.
    
    BERNICE: Yes. Oh, yes.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, of course I will. Yes?
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Mr. Hutchinson, when I allowed you and your partner to work here in my salon, undercover, as you call it, I was performing what I believed to be my civil duty.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, and we bless you for it--
    
    ZUCKERMAN: However, I must make one thing crystal clear. 
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. 
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Business is business. And right now your partner, Mr. Starsky--
    
    HUTCH: Ah-ah. Shhh. Mr. Tyrone.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Mr. Tyrone is 40 minutes late.
    
    HUTCH: Is this true? Well, good grief. Well, I'm sure he's probably on his way. But if not, I will speak to him personally, you have my word on that. The moment he arrives. I think you are absolutely right that this kind of tardiness cannot be tolerated.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Thank you. I appreciate that.
    
    HUTCH: Unless, of course, the delay is caused by some, uh, official business.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Of course, if it's official business. I mean, there's no one who will cooperate more than I will. After all, when your Captain Dobey came in here and he asked me if I was willing to-- to have you here, to watch the hotel and all that, I said, "Why, of course, it's every citizen's duty."
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Lobby**
    
    STARSKY: Eh-- Eh... Later, okay?
    
    WOMAN: What'd you say?
    
    STARSKY: I have to go to work.
    
    WOMAN: What?
    
    STARSKY: I have to go to work. Later, okay?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    ZUCKERMAN: I said, "I will cooperate..." Would you get that?
    
    ZUCKERMAN: I believe in cooperating with the police in every thing...
    
    HUTCH: Beauty salon. Mr. Marlene speaking.
    
    STARSKY: Mr. Marlene, please.
    
    HUTCH: This is Mr. Marlene.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: ...a citizen's right to cooperate. And not only that, law and order... 
    
    HUTCH: Say no more.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: ...is what made this country strong. Free enterprise, law and order...
    
    HUTCH: Tyrone? You naughty, naughty boy. Where have you been hiding? Mrs. Zuckerman is just fit to be tied, 
    
    ZUCKERMAN: ...you hear on television and radio every single day, somebody's stabbed, an
    
    HUTHC: ...and I don't blame her one teeny little bit.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Who was that? 
    
    HUTCH: It's for me.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Oh.
    
    BERNICE: Mmm. Mr. Marlene.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah?
    
    STARSKY: Put your act in the closet.
    
    HUTCH: Uh-oh. What? What?
    
    STARSKY: I said, put your act in the closet. There is a guy out here with two weapons in his belt and very dartingt eyes.
    
    HUTCH: Oh.
    
    STARSKY: And even as we speak, he's moving towards the cashier's office.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, I'm on my way.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Lobby**
    
    STARSKY: Hey! You!
    
    (Chase ensues.) 
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Dobey's Office**
    
    DOBEY: I don't care about that. Your orders were very simple and very explicit: stay buried in the beauty parlor, period. Getting yourself involved with that arrest was dumb. Probably the dumbest thing you've ever done.
    
    STARSKY: Please take it easy. Look-it, all we know about this undercover is that there may or may not be a jewelry heist coming down in that hotel. We act instinctively.
    
    HUTCH: Sometimes impetuously. Look, why don't you just fill us in on this master thief, the guy called the Baron.
    
    DOBEY: Now, Scotland Yard feels that the Baron, whose infamous reputation precedes him, is gonna pay a visit to our city, particularly to the hotel where you two are practicing your culture. His express purpose is to steal the Belvedere diamonds.
    
    STARSKY: Hm?
    
    DOBEY: A courier's gonna bring 'em to that hotel where you're working. The sale is gonna take place in less than 48 hours.
    
    STARSKY: Who is this Baron? What's he look like?
    
    DOBEY: No one knows. No pictures, no prints, no name, nothing.
    
    HUTCH: Makes it kind of tough, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Hm. 
    
    DOBEY: Now, Scotland Yard says these are the only cigars The Baron smokes. I want you to get to know 'em. Smoke 'em, eat 'em, chew 'em, stick 'em in your pocket. I don't care what you do with 'em. That's the only clue you got.
    
    HUTCH: Corona Superbas.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    DOBEY: All right, back to your poodle cuts.
    
    **Exterior - Day - Swanky Hotel** 
    
    CABBIE: That'll be 9.80, mister.
    
    THE_BARON: Here's a 20. Keep it. Oh, uh, have a cigar.
    
    CABBIE: A cigar?
    
    THE_BARON: A Corona Superba.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    ZUCKERMAN: That'll be $217. You look lovely, my dear. Mr. Tyrone! I have been waiting for you. There is a call for you for a pedicure in Room 1229. Take it. Please. You still have that ladder? Give it to--
    
    STARSKY: No! It is my ladder.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: The call is for a pedicure.
    
    STARSKY: Okay.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: My customers are not acrobats.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel** **Smoke Shop**
    
    LEO: Afternoon.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, uh, ahem. Yes, I was, uh, simply browsing for some cigars.
    
    LEO: A little something to counteract the permanent wave solution?
    
    HUTCH: I beg your pardon?
    
    LEO: You're a hairdresser, right?
    
    HUTCH: Well, how would you know that?
    
    LEO: A little game I play. Sniff and Tell. Bleach, shampoo, conditioner. I don't mean to be nosy. Get the pun?
    
    HUTCH: Yes, I catch the pun. 
    
    LEO: Nosy, sniffy... Cigars, cigars, cigars. I-- I've got the biggest selection this side of the street.
    
    HUTCH: Mm-hmm. Uh, listen, would you...? Would you happen to have something in a Superba, Corona Superba?
    
    LEO: Superbas. A moment. Pretty pricey, I'm afraid. But the best money can buy, unless you have a connection that can smuggle you out some Havanas.
    
    HUTCH: Um, here's a 10. You wanna keep the change?
    
    LEO: For what?
    
    HUTCH: I need a favor.
    
    LEO: Name it.
    
    HUTCH: Well, listen, I would be very, very curious-- I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
    
    LEO: Leo.
    
    HUTCH: Leo. Of course it is. I would be very curious to know, Leo, if anyone else should come by here looking for Superba Corona Superbas. And if so, would you give me a call at the, uh, beauty salon? Ask for Mr. Marlene.
    
    LEO: Marlene?
    
    HUTCH: Mister.
    
    LEO: Yes.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, Leo.
    
    LEO: Yes.
    
    HUTCH: You've got to be a Leo.
    
    LEO: How did you know that?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Vivian's Room**
    
    STARSKY: (speaks French) 
    
    VIVIAN: Doesn't that feel nice? 
    
    STARSKY: Oh, but it does.
    
    VIVIAN: I've been waiting for this since yesterday morning... but The Baron is so demanding in his need for attention.
    
    STARSKY: The Baron?
    
    VIVIAN: Silly, isn't it? But that's what he calls himself.
    
    STARSKY: Oh.
    
    VIVIAN: And who am I to argue with the kind of money he spends?
    
    STARSKY: Where is the--? The Baron?
    
    VIVIAN: Well, now?
    
    STARSKY: Oui.
    
    VIVIAN: He's here, taking a bath. In the meantime, I might as well...
    
    STARSKY: Uh-- I'll be right back.
    
    VIVIAN: Okay.
    
    STARSKY: I promise.
    
    VIVIAN: What's wrong?
    
    STARSKY: Shh. Police. This is a bust.
    
    FAKE_BARON: General. Good to see you, old boy.
    
    STARSKY: Are you the Baron?
    
    FAKE_BARON: All right. You be The Baron. But remember, I thought of it first.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hotel Room**
    
    THE_BARON: Close it, please.
    
    DINTY: Hey! Hey, what gives? What's with this third-degree routine?
    
    THE_BARON: My preference, if you don't mind.
    
    ELLIS: And if we do?
    
    THE_BARON: Then you may leave. Now.
    
    DINTY: Baron, you pay, we play.
    
    THE_BARON: Excellent. There is an envelope taped to the door. Do you see it?
    
    DINTY: Yeah.
    
    THE_BARON: Take it. My instructions are enclosed. When you have completed them, you will receive your payment. Ten thousand dollars. Do you understand?
    
    DINTY: When money talks, we always understand.
    
    THE_BARON: One final item. I have reason to believe that there may be undercover police posing as either guests or employees of this hotel. If they should interfere with your work, I expect that you may find it necessary to...
    
    ELLIS: Waste them? 
    
    DINTY: It'll be a pleasure, Baron.
    
    THE_BARON: You're very understanding. Ciao.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    PATRON: So I said, "What year were you born?" And he said, "1949." Well, 1-9-4-9 adds up to 23. Now, two and three is five. I happen to be an eight. And fives and eights are about as far apart as you can get. See, numbers don't lie. If you think about it, numbers are the only pure thing left on this whole entire earth. 
    One, two, three, four, five, six--
    
    STARSKY: I have a problem.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yes?
    
    STARSKY: You know that cutie I was working on?
    
    HUTCH: Yes.
    
    STARSKY: Complaining her hair was too soft.
    
    HUTCH: So, what did you do?
    
    STARSKY: I filled it full of conditioner, and I stuffed her up under the dryer.
    
    HUTCH: Do you think it'll work?
    
    STARSKY: Not a good look on her, but it will look good on a sheep. You think she's had enough?
    
    HUTCH: Why don't you ask her?
    
    STARSKY: No, her.
    
    HUTCH: Oh! Oh, oh.
    
    PATRON: --seven, eight, nine, 10. Gosh, you must be a six.
    
    PATRON #2: Oh, what have they done to me?!
    
    HUTCH: Uh, somebody. Somebody get that phone. Somebody-- Just sit there and let it dry, sweetheart. (on phone) Ah, beauty salon, Mr. Marlene speaking.
    
    LEO: It's about the Superbas.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes. Do you have a customer? Uh, uh, yes. 
    
    LEO: He called down for a full box. A hundred and seventy-five bucks.
    
    HUTCH: Aha. Well, what does he--? What does--? What does he want you to do, deliver it to his room?
    
    LEO: No. He wants me to deliver them to the Cabaret. You wanna play delivery boy?
    
    HUTCH: Yes, I'd love to. Love to.
    
    PATRON #2: Look at my hair! Look at my hair! You two! You two! What have you done! I trusted you! I trusted you!
    
    ZUCKERMAN: I will take care of it.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Cabaret**
    
    STARSKY: There is nobody in this room.
    
    OWENS: Freeze!
    
    STARSKY: Uh-huh.
    
    HUTCH: You get the feeling we've been set up, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Mm.
    
    OWENS: Sudden moves would be dangerous. Come.
    
    STARSKY: I think he wants us.
    
    HUTCH: I think so.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you.
    
    OWENS: Far enough. Names?
    
    HUTCH: Uh, uh, this is T-Ty-Ty. Mr. T-Tyrone.
    
    STARSKY: And this is my friend and compatriot, Monsieur Marlene.
    
    HUTCH: Thank you very much.
    
    STARSKY: You're welcome.
    
    HUTCH: And the fellow on the drums is Cherie.
    
    STARSKY: Hello, Cherie.
    
    OWENS: Oh!
    
    STARSKY: Six. You are finished.
    
    OWENS: Oh, boy.
    
    STARSKY: Goodbye. So long.
    
    OWENS: Well, who do you think I am?
    
    STARSKY: That is a very good question. Who are you?
    
    OWENS: What'd he say?
    
    HUTCH: He said, "Who are you?"
    
    OWENS: I'm Buddy Owens, hotel security. Who the hell are you, anyway?
    
    HUTCH: Well, um... We're here undercover. Oh. A couple of hairdressers. 
    
    OWENS: I didn't know you were gonna be here. Nobody told me about it.
    
    STARSKY: Nobody told us about you. We came here looking for a box of cigars.
    
    OWENS: I ordered those cigars.
    
    HUTCH: You didn't.
    
    OWENS: Yeah. I told Leo to keep me posted if anybody bought any of those Superbas. He said one of you guys did. The guy who calls himself Mr. Marlene. Leo also told me that Mr. Marlene is no hairdresser. His hands are too tough.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, he did. He said that?
    
    OWENS: That's right.
    
    HUTCH: Ha-ha! Well, he's a smart cookie.
    
    STARSKY: Uh-huh. What exactly do you know about Superba Corona Superbas?
    
    OWENS: Oh, what do I know? I'll tell you what I know. They're the only brand of cigar that The Baron smokes.
    
    HUTCH: The Baron?
    
    OWENS: That's right. You didn't think I knew about The Baron, did you, huh? Let me tell you something. I have to arrange security for a diamond sale in this hotel in 36 hours. Now if I wasn't worrying about the Baron, I wouldn't be very good at my job, would I? So, what do you say we all start working together, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Tyrone.
    
    HUTCH: Marlene.
    
    OWENS: Marlene. Yeah. Call me Buddy.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hotel Basement**
    
    OWEN'S The diamond sale's scheduled to take place in the vault in the cashier's office.
    
    HUTCH: Well, that's swell. So, what are we doing down here?
    
    OWENS: Well, the, uh, alarm and security system for the vault is operated by a computerized, uh, circuit board here that I thought maybe you might wanna see, huh? Hey, uh, Marty? How's it going there, pal?
    
    DINTY: Marty ain't working this shift. His wife's got the flu.
    
    OWENS: Marty, uh... Marty... Marty doesn't have a wife. You let them get away, didn't you?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - The Baron's Hotel Room**
    
    ELLIS: (on phone) Yeah.
    
    THE_BARON: This is I.
    
    ELLIS: How you doing, Baron?
    
    THE_BARON: Progress report?
    
    ELLIS: U.C.
    
    THE_BARON: I beg your pardon?
    
    ELLIS: Under control.
    
    THE_BARON: Delightful. Now, phase two?
    
    THE_BARON: You got it, Bar. (end) 
    
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hotel Basement**
    
    OWENS: Well, they certainly destroyed the vault's security system, didn't they?
    
    HUTCH: So...
    
    OWENS: Hm?
    
    HUTCH: We don't use the vault.
    
    OWENS: No, we don't use the vault. Uh, all we have left is the, uh, four tower suites. One here, one here, one here and here.
    
    STARSKY: What if...?
    
    OWENS: Huh?
    
    STARSKY: What if The Baron is just throwing up a smoke screen?
    
    OWENS: Uh-huh.
    
    STARSKY: Hm? Maybe he doesn't really care where the sale's being held.
    
    OWENS: I'm not following you.
    
    HUTCH: He means, ...if the Baron should show up as one of the buyers.
    
    OWENS: Oh, no, no, no, I don't think that's possible. You see, the-- The two buyers and the, uh-- And the courier have identifying objects which they will be carrying, and I will be able to identify them.
    
    STARSKY: Just in case.
    
    OWENS: Mm-hmm.
    
    STARSKY: Just in case. What if we get one of our own guys?
    
    OWENS: "Gays"?
    
    HUTCH: "Guys."
    
    OWENS: Oh.
    
    STARSKY: A guy to impersonate a guy who buys. Hm? Just to make a little business on the side.
    
    HUTCH: Would that be possible?
    
    OWENS: Oh, yeah, sure. You mean, a diamond groupie. That's possible. Anything's possible. It's happened before. But where are you gonna find someone to impersonate an international diamond seller or buyer at this late date?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Right this way, Your Excellency. I'm sure we're going to be able to give you the finest hair care available. But I do wish that you would allow me to give you to one of our more experienced technicians.
    
    HUGGY: You are very kind, dear lady, but I shall require the services of Mr. Marlene and Mr. Tyrone, who come highly recommended.
    
    HUTCH: I'll see you about 5.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Well, here they are.
    
    HUGGY: Ho. Peace. Shalom. I am Prince Nairobi and I am honored to be in the presence of artists of such great stature.
    
    STARSKY: Have a seat.
    
    HUGGY: Oh, thank you, thank you.
    
    STARSKY: You are welcome, Prince. Quit hamming it up.
     
    HUGGY: You asked for the services of a royal African potentate, so, what you see is what you get.
    
    HUTCH: Huggy, just cut the Oxford jive. We don't need you in here. We need you out there mingling with the couriers.
    
    HUGGY: To what end, might I ask?
    
    STARSKY: If we knew that, we wouldn't need you.
    
    HUTCH: Would we?
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hotel Corridor**
    
    OWENS: Hello. Nice to see you. Going down?
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Hospital**
    
    DOBEY: Where is, um...? Mr., uh...
    
    HUTCH: Mr. Ty-Ty.
    
    DOBEY: Yeah, Mr. Ty-Ty.
    
    HUTCH: Mr. Tyrone-- Mr. Tyrone is, uh... Well, he short-circuited one of the dryers and fried one of his customer's hair. Mrs. Zuckerman stayed to have a few words with him. So how you feeling, buddy boy?
    
    OWENS: How's it look like I feel?
    
    DOBEY: You'll be all right. If they wanted you dead, you'd be dead.
    
    OWENS: Oh, they were very considerate. Couple of warm and wonderful people. Come here. I wanna tell you something, okay? Look, tomorrow at noon, I'm meeting with the Belvedere courier and the two buyers. Now, remember what I told you? They are carrying identifying codes. Something that only I will recognize. I recognize all three, you understand? I'm the only one. Now, as soon as I am sure that these guys are who they claim to be, I'm gonna make an announcement as to where the sale will take place and when.
    
    HUTCH: Why don't we just--? Why don't we simply postpone the whole thing?
    
    OWENS: We can't do that. The buyers are on their way. This is big business. You understand? Big business! Ohhhh.
    
    NURSE: Oh, doctor, I must be walking in my sleep. I'm sorry.
    
    THE_BARON: The night shift can do that to you. You had better get some rest.  
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    HUTCH: Don't you think a nice bouffant style would work wonderfully, Mr. Tyrone?
    
    STARSKY: No, no, no. It's so terribly ordinaire. 
    
    HUTCH: Oh, ordinary.
    
    STARSKY: Oui. I think perhaps it would be to everyone's benefit if we got to know these two ladies a little bit better before we redesign their tresses.
     
    HUTCH: Personally, I rather like what they're wearing.
    
    STARSKY: No, I mean their tresses.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, tresses! What a wonderful idea. I personally happen to know a little bistro just off the lo--
    
    STARSKY: Do you see what I see?
    
    HUTCH: Afraid so.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Excuse me, girls. This is a beauty parlor, gentlemen. Not a singles bar.
    
    STARSKY: Yes.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, ma'am.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Now you, there's a call for a shampoo and set in room 1232.
    
    STARSKY: Goodbye.
    
    STARSKY: And you. The rinse sinks need cleaning. Now move it.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, ma'am.
    
    STARSKY: And you too. Sasha, number three, please.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Vivian's Room**
    
    VIVIAN: Now, it's okay.
    
    HUTCH: Yes.
    
    VIVIAN: I'll be Vivian, the traveling saleslady.
    
    HUTCH: Vivian.
    
    VIVIAN: Vivian Vivacious.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, you are so...
    
    VIVIAN: And you can be the farmer's son.
    
    HUTCH: Do I get a name?
    
    VIVIAN: Oh, I'm only in town for one night.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, 24 little hours.
    
    VIVIAN: You don't object to aggressive women, do you?
    
    HUTCH: Well, no, of course not. As long as they're gentle.
    
    VIVIAN: Oh, I won't hurt you.
    
    HUTCH: Would you mind getting off my foot? Thank you.
    
    VIVIAN: Better?
    
    HUTCH Just here for the evening, huh?
    
    VIVIAN: Just down for the...
    
    HUTCH: Perhaps we could maybe get down to business, huh?
    
    VIVIAN: Goes with pleasure.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, pleasure.
    
    HOTEL GUEST: Ow!
    
    HUTCH: I...
    
    HARRY: Hey, Viv, what'd you do with my pinkie ring?
    
    HUTCH: Pinkie ring?
    
    VIVIAN: Oh, that's Harry. Don't worry about him.
    
    HUTCH: Harry? 
    
    VIVIAN: He's leaving soon.
    
    HUTCH: Me, too.
    
    VIVIAN: Oh, no, no, no, don't. No, now don't you be a naughty boy.
    
    HARRY: Eh, who's the fussy guy?
    
    HUTCH: Uh, uh... H-hi there. I'm, uh, I'm Mr. Marlene from, uh, the beauty salon
    downstairs.
    
    VIVIAN: He's gonna do something to me.
    
    HUTCH: To her hair, a treatment. Split ends. I have to condition it and set it and...
    
    HARRY: Oh, boy! You guys.
    
    HUTCH: He doesn't mind you lying around on the floor with strange men?
    
    VIVIAN: He trusts me.
    
    HUTCH: Trusts you?
    
    VIVIAN: Mm-hmm. That's right.
    
    HUTCH: Trust-- Vivian. Uh-- Vivian. Oh, Vivian. Vivian, no.
    
    VIVIAN: How is my baby boy?
    
    HUTCH: I'm gonna be very upset. Vivian.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    ZUCKERMAN: That'll be 147.50. And you do look lovely, my dear.
    
    HUGGY: Mr. Marlene, I gotta talk to you.
    
    STARSKY: Shh. Tyrone. Tyrone. Lie down.
    
    HUGGY: The courier and two buyers just got here about a half an hour ago and all four of us are having a nice quiet drink down in the Cabaret.
    
    STARSKY: How did you arrange that?
    
    HUGGY: That's my business. But what happened down there is yours.
    
    STARSKY: Why, what happened?
    
    HUGGY: One of them just hit the deck like somebody slipped a shot of cyanide into his sarsaparilla.
    
    STARSKY: After you.
    
    HUGGY: I'm not--
    
    STARSKY: Monsieur, please, I've done all kinds of hair. Round hair, skinny hair...
    
    
    **Interior - Night - The Cabaret**
    
    THE_BARON: I am afraid this gentleman is going to need further attention. I'll call an ambulance.
    
    STARSKY: Where is the bartender?
    
    VANDAM: He's calling an ambulance.
    
    HUGGY: The same bartender that made him the drink?
    
    VANDAM Yes. Yes, he should be back shortly.
    
    HUGGY: Don't count on it.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hospital**
    
    HUTCH: Came to with a hell of a headache.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, and an attaché case with a bug under the handle.
    
    DOBEY: A what?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: The Baron got to Davidowsky before we did. So he could put in ear on him.
    
    DOBEY: Well, I hope you sent it to the lab for analysis.
    
    STARSKY: Nope, we left it right where the Baron put it, and we didn't tell Davidowsky it was there.
    
    DOBEY: Would you mind telling me why you did that?
    
    HUTCH: Sure. It's pretty obvious that the Baron wants to know real bad where that sale's gonna take place.
    
    STARSKY: And we are gonna tell him.
    
    HUTCH: Right.
    
    STARSKY: And then we're gonna be there to meet him.
    
    HUTCH: Right.
    
    DOBEY: Mm?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Monsieur Davidowsky. How are you?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: I'll be all right, thank you.
    
    STARSKY: Good.
    
    HUTCH: Hi there. How are you? Pleasure to see you again. Got your bone? Thank you very much. You feeling better, Buddy?
    
    OWENS: Mm.
    
    STARSKY: Oops.
    
    OWENS: Uh, Nurse, give me a towel. Not on my head, on the table, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Now, to make sure that everybody here belongs here in this room, uh, when I ask for your gift or your code, I want you to bring it to me. Uh... Mr. Davidowsky?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Davidowsky. Watch. 
    
    OWENS: Watch. Mr. Van Dam?
    
    VANDAM: Oh. Glasses.
    
    OWENS: Glasses. Which one of you is Mr. Adachi? I should...
    
    ADACHI: Button. 
    
    OWENS: Button? 
    
    ADACHI: Button. Flower?
    
    OWENS: Flower.
    
    STARSKY: Nairobi.
    
    OWENS: Nairobi. Mr., uh...
    
    HUGGY: Prince.
    
    OWENS: Mr. Prince.
    
    HUGGY: Bone.
    
    OWENS: Bone. 
    
    HUTCH: Good.
    
    OWENS: Now that--
    
    STARSKY: You all right?
    
    OWENS: Welcome to the U.S. of A., gentlemen.
    
    NURSE: Well, you did it again, Doctor. But this time you scared the daylights out of me.
    
    THE_BARON: I can't seem to kick the habit. Promise not to tell on me?
    
    NURSE: Scout's honor. I'll come back for what I was after later. The patient's not critical.
    
    THE_BARON: Oh.
    
    NURSE: Enjoy your cigar.
    
    DOBEY: (over walkie talkie) Let's get on with it, huh? We don't have a lot of time left.
    
    OWENS: Okay. All anyone here needs to know is this: The sale's gonna be held in the north Tower Suite sixty minutes from now. I suggest you all get on your way. (end)
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Room**
    
    HUTCH: How does the auction work, Mr. Davidowsky?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: The sale is really quite simple. I am the courier. I represent the owners of the Belvedere Diamonds. The other gentlemen are buyers for two of the largest diamond houses in the world. And the Belvedere diamonds are in this box.
    
    STARSKY: That looks more like a pouch.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: In the diamond trade, we call it a box.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, but it's really a-- 
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: A box.
    
    HUTCH: Well, fine. Whatever. Um, now, look, what we wanna do is we wanna put a different kind of stone into your-- your pouch.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Box.
    
    HUTCH: Box. Starsk.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. Uh, this here is called a bug.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: That looks like a sending device.
    
    STARSKY: Yes, well we call it a bug.
    
    HUTCH: A bug.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Well, that's very imaginative of you, but I'm afraid I can't go along with that.
    
    HUTCH: Why not?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Because there's a sanctity to our box. And a most cardinal law about our box is that nothing foreign goes in it.
    
    STARSKY: Well, let me ask you a question. If you were to put something foreign into your box, would it then become a pouch?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Do as you will.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you.
    
    HUTCH: Thank you.
    
    HUGGY: In East Africa we have many, many diamonds in our royal treasury, and we would love to have these.
    
    (Davidowsky, Adachi, Van Dam and Huggy talk continually over each other)
    
    HUTCH: Now, this elevator here provides the only access to the room. On a given signal at the end of the auction, the elevator will come up. You will be able to get on and go to the main floor. These various doors here should not concern any of you, as they are bedroom doors, and the fire stairs on each landing are guarded. Gentlemen, is that clear?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Perfectly.
    
    ADACHI: Perfectly. 
    
    VANDAM: Perfectly. 
    
    HUGGY: Perfectly. 
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Shall we begin? Well, you gentlemen look pleased.
    
    VAN DAM: I've been, for such a long time, an admirer of the Belvedere collection.
    
    ADACHI: Exquisite.
    
    HUGGY: Exquisite.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Commence the bidding.
    
    VANDAM: Three million.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Modest. I'd say almost an insult to the collection. Monsieur Adachi?
    
    ADACHI: Three million, one.
    
    VANDAM: I shall then sincerely offer 3 million, 500.
    
    ADACHI: Three million, eight.
    
    HUGGY: Four million!
    
    VANDAM: Five million.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Five million. Five million. Five million. The Belvedere Diamonds now have a new home in Holland.
    
    HUGGY: Congratulations on your acquisition, Mr. Van Dam.
    
    VANDAM: Thank you, Your Excellency. Thank you.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Monsieur Van Dam, I hate to see them leave America, but I must say your final bid was, nevertheless, quite consoling.
    
    ADACHI: Not to this broker's heart.
    
    HUGGY: Exquisite. Exquisite. Exquisite, exquisite.
    
    VANDAM: In the pouch, please, Your Excellency. Well, gentlemen, I expect you all to come and have the last drink in my suite, uh, to commemorate this great occasion.
    
    HUGGY: I have to go to the airport immediately.
    
    VANDAM: What's the big rush?
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Oh, by the way, Kenny, how are those lovely quintuplets of yours?
    
    ADACHI: They've got the Asian flu.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: What else?
    
    VANDAM: I want you all in my suite.
    
    HUTCH: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Excuse me, your access. Would you hold the elevator, please?
    
    ADACHI: Our access elevator.
    
    DAVIDOWSKY: Your security was most appreciated, Officers. Thank you very much.
    
    HUTCH: Goodbye.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you.
    
    VANDAM: Um, tot siens.
    
    HUTCH: Tempus fugit.
    
    STARSKY: What does that mean?
    
    HUTCH: I don't know.
    
    ADACHI: Sayonara.
    
    HUTCH: Sayonara.
    
    STARSKY: Sayonara.
    
    HUTCH: See you later, bro.
    
    STARSKY: That man had a gun. (on walkie talkie) Captain!
    
    DOBEY: Yeah, Starsky?
    
    STARSKY: Captain, look, The Baron! He's on his way down. We put a bug in the pouch. You can follow him on the scanner.
    
    DOBEY: Roger, we got your signal. Now, stay with us.
    
    HUTCH: Fire stairs.
    
    STARSKY: Gone. You still picking him up?
    
    DOBEY: Loud and clear. It looks like it's gonna-- It's the 16th floor! We're on our way! (end) 
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hotel Corridors and Elevator**
    
    THE_BARON: Please don't move, gentlemen. Please don't open your eyes.
    
    DOBEY: (on walkie talkie) Starsky, Hutch.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah,Captain?
    
    DOBEY: He's still on the 16th floor. South side, near the center.
    
    STARSKY: All right, Captain, we're on the 16th floor. You got any clues? A lot of rooms up here.
    
    DOBEY: He's somewhere on the 16th floor. Near the elevator.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: You wouldn't believe it.
    
    STARSKY: Police!
    
    GUEST: What the hell's going on?
    
    DOBEY: He's moving! Down. Down. He's moving down.
    
    HUTCH: He can't be moving down!
    
    DOBEY: He's moving down, I tell you.
    
    STARSKY: Captain, that's a neat trick. I don't think he can be moving down in this hotel.
    
    HUTCH: That's it!
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: He's not inside the hotel. He's outside the hotel.
    
    STARSKY: Outside? We really are police!
    
    GUEST: I don't care who you are, I'm calling the manager!
    
    STARSKY: Cute. Real cute.
    
    GUEST: Open up that elevator! How do I know you're the police?
    
    HUTCH: Hit the button.
    
    STARSKY: I hit the button.
    
    HUTCH: Well, hit it again. 
    
    STARSKY: Why? I'm only asking for one elevator.
    
    HUTCH: Come on!
    
    STARSKY: Captain.
    
    DOBEY: I hear you.
    
    STARSKY: We got him.
    
    DOBEY: Where?
    
    STARSKY: Right where we want him. We're coming in. Here we come.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Swanky Hotel**
    
    HUTCH: Well, well, well, look at this. Ow! Ah!
    
    STARSKY: Come on, open it up. Open it up.
    
    HUTCH: Ah-ha!
    
    STARSKY: Well, at least that worked.
    
    DOBEY: All right, which one of you is The Baron? Come on, speak up, one of you is The Baron.
    
    HUTCH: We got the wrong man,Cap.
    
    DOBEY: Don't tell me he got away with the diamonds, too?
    
    STARSKY: Okay, we won't.
    
    DOBEY: But you better tell me something. And make it fast.
    
    HUTCH: Here come the prince. Here come the prince.
    
    STARSKY: Captain, Prince Nairobi here made a little switcheroo upstairs, and while the Baron did get away, he also got away with just a bunch of artificial cut glass.
    
    DOBEY: I don't wanna hear it! All I wanna know is, where are the diamonds?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Where are the diamonds?
    
    STARSKY: Where are the diamonds?
    
    HUTCH: With the good guys.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Swanky Hotel Beauty Salon**
    
    HUTCH: You know something, Tyrone?
    
    STARSKY: Oui?
    
    HUTCH: I simply would like to congratulate this lovely lady for her contributions to public service. You're wonderful, sweet Hilda.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: You know, sometimes I think that Americans, in this glorious nation of ours, all too often forget that in these frenetic times, a still, small voice can still be heard. And you gentlemen, you gentlemen have made it possible for me to be a part of the workings of this wonderful, wonderful system of justice in this country. And for that I thank you, and I thank you and you and you and you.
    
    STARSKY: Hilda.
    
    HUTCH: Please.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Hm?
    
    STARSKY: Blow out the candle.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: Oh.
    
    STARSKY: Very good.
    
    DOBEY: Why aren't you back at the office?
    
    STARSKY: Because we are here.
    
    DOBEY: Here's a present for you.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, la--
    
    ZUCKERMAN: I love presents. Oh, it's cigars.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, good.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: They're just two.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, good, one for me and--
    
    HUTCH: One for me.
    
    ZUCKERMAN: There's a note. "Officers Starsky and Hutchinson: A tip of the hat for a game well played. Look forward to a rematch and trust you'll smoke these in good health. Respectfully yours, The Baron."
    
    END


End file.
